Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job