Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Remember folks 😂
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.