As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind