me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
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I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.