Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!