“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out