I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you鈥檙e reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I鈥檇 been chosen for something?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what鈥檚 the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine鈥檚 Day and I said YES and he said, 鈥淐ool I need you to work that day.”
Barbie gone wild
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you鈥檒l need these 15 products
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I鈥檝e always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.