Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house