I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa