“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
You Might Also Like
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
We’ve all been there
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.