Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?