[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think thereās one in every room
my kid was complaining sheās bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat wonāt stop hissing
vet: maāam this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks heās my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me trying to walk in a dream
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Crying and holding my daughter, ālook baby, she looks like us.ā
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? š
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? š
Them: …many, many laws.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think Iām possessed.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of LiĆØge āhiredā 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats werenāt effective mailmen.
I am a gravy boat captain
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didnāt lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
āew what is that?ā is my childās adorable way of asking whatās for dinner
Me, at 21: Iām going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: Iām going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: Iām going to try a new spot on the couch this year