THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.