Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
much to think about
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?