gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
this article brought to you by lions
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.