I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Goodnight 🐶
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Pigeon open mic night.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.