“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*pronounces patio like ratio
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
79.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.