The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
#milo
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”