[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied