The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.