Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie