My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.