[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
They must have gotten it to go.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
A group of toddlers is called a migraine