When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
…u ok Nintendo?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Well. That’s not a good sign.