Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy