I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
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WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Breaking news:
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.