[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in