running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.