NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
live, laugh, laundry.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.