Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
where do you see yourself in five years?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!