A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Whoa 😂
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
This is a true ally.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)