[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.