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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry