Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
A fake ID that makes you younger
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me: