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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Whisper out to librarians!
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark