My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
You Might Also Like
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Whoa 😂
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Attacked by a mop.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
this is funnier than any friends episode
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.