*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather