[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…