He wanted to make sure😂
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remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours