I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}