Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You Might Also Like
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“We will wed,” I threatened
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
do what now??
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo