I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
He a real one for that
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
lmfao come on
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.