me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
You Might Also Like
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
12653.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Ooops wrong house😂😜