What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.