How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
The game has officially changed 😎
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best