‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’d love this…lol
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”