My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
$4 #usedbooks
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.