The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van