In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I would like even faster food.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home