I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.